Needles and Pearls Page 12

‘Well done, everyone. Matthew, please sit down and get a tissue if you must do that. Now here’s Mrs Mackenzie, come to help us make lovely pom-poms for our Sammy Snake. And then we’re all going to knit things for our new school banner. We talked about it this morning, remember?’

  Some of them nod, but quite a few look blank, or mildly panicky.

  ‘Let’s all sit nicely on our chairs and show her how sensible we can be, shall we? Ellie, is that being sensible?’

  Before I know it I’m trying to fit on a tiny chair, with six children at my table, pom-pomming like my life depends on it while Mrs Tindall sorts out the paint and the glue and the classroom assistant Mrs Channing makes a start on knitting small brown squares with her group. We’ve already worked out that if we cast on for them, and take it slowly, most of them can cope. But that was with the older ones, so who knows what’ll happen with the littlest ones. I’ve shown my lot how to wind their wool around the plastic semicircles we got in the pom-pom kits, and Finlay and Connor are busy winding away, while Natasha and Laura watch my every move as I start Kyle and James off with some thick blue cotton.

  ‘My mum says I can have a dog for my birthday.’

  ‘That’s nice. When’s your birthday, Kyle?’

  ‘In two years. Or four. And when it’s my party I’m having a disco, only not with girls.’

  Natasha tuts.

  ‘You can’t have a disco with no girls.’

  ‘I might have some. Just not you.’

  Natasha doesn’t seem particularly worried by this.

  ‘When it’s my party I’m having a magician, and swimming. And a disco.’

  Kyle looks rather crestfallen, and starts kicking the table leg while he carries on winding his wool.

  Finlay puts his hand up. Bless.

  ‘I don’t want to do knitting. It’s crap.’

  The rest of the group giggle.

  I think I’ll just pretend I haven’t heard: I’m pretty sure we don’t say crap in school, however much we might be tempted.

  ‘Boys don’t do knitting. Only girls do.’

  He puts his pom-pom down and fixes me with a very determined look.

  ‘Well, clever boys do, Kyle. A long time ago the men used to do all the knitting, in special groups called guilds, and you had to be very good to join them.’ I’m quite pleased with my vaguely educational answer, but he carries on looking at me. ‘And all the sailors in the navy used to learn how to knit, so they could fix their sails, and the soldiers in the army did too, so they could make socks and mend their uniforms. It’s no good being in the middle of a big battle with no socks on.’

  He picks up his pom-pom, just as Mrs Tindall comes over to congratulate them on their progress, and then we’re tying off and cutting and trimming, with very blunt scissors, and then I’ve got a whole new group of expectant faces, and my skirt is covered in tufts of wool.

  ‘Could you help Mrs Channing if she brings her group over to join you? She’s having a bit of trouble.’

  Like I didn’t see that one coming.

  ‘Sure.’

  Mrs Channing brings her group over and the children all squash round the table.

  ‘How does it go again, Miss?’

  They’re learning a rhyme to help them remember how to knit a stitch:

  In through the front door,

  Around the back,

  Out through the window,

  And off jumps Jack.

  Unfortunately one of the smaller boys turns out to be called Jack, so he’s showing us how good he is at jumping until Mrs Channing rallies and starts on a quick bit of number work, and we all start counting our stitches, with answers ranging from three to nine, holding up our fingers and counting together and checking our needles, by which time half of us have dropped them on the floor.

  ‘One two four six.’

  I’m not sure if Michael, who’s sitting next to me, is doing some special kind of binary maths, or he’s just not that good at number bonds, so I put my needles down and count on my fingers slowly.

  ‘One two three four five six.’

  He grins.

  ‘I miss out five, because I don’t like it. I like four. And seven. That’s my favourite.’

  ‘Oh, right. What about three?’

  ‘Sometimes I quite like it.’

  I think he’s either a budding maths genius, or he’s one of life’s Challenging Learners.

  He looks down at his needles and sighs.

  ‘In through the front door. And off jumps Jack.’

  We finally get six vaguely square shapes and I help them cast off and then it’s playtime, thank God, followed by another round of pom-poms and then story time, during which I almost nod off. So it’s quite a shock to find myself standing in the playground waiting for the boys to come out, and I’m wondering if I can have a nice little sleep when we get home, before I start on the ironing, which is reaching epic proportions in the cupboard under the stairs.

  Jack’s had a good day, but Archie’s not pleased when he eventually comes out, trailing his packed-lunch bag along behind him.

  ‘We had to do stupid knittin’. And it was meant to be choosing time.’

  ‘I bet you’ll be very proud when you see your knitting on the banner.’

  ‘No, I won’t. I wanted to do cars in the home corner.’

  He swings his packed-lunch bag around and then releases it, just in time to narrowly miss Horrible Harry, who is throwing some sort of fit with Annabel.

  ‘Go and pick that up, Archie.’

  ‘No.’

  Jack sighs, and goes over to pick up the bag.

  Harry is now clinging on to the railings while Annabel tries to pull him off and keep a smile on her face. Thank God she’s too distracted to make a formal complaint about flying lunch bags.

  Connie’s laughing.

  ‘Harry has extra maths today perhaps, or French? The lessons he loves so much?’

  Annabel was boasting about his prowess at French classes and some kind of special boffin maths last week; but it doesn’t look like Harry’s too keen.

  Archie’s decided to be penitent.

  ‘Sorry, Mum.’

  ‘Say sorry to Jack – he had to pick it up.’

  ‘Sorry, Jack.’

  ‘It’s all right, Arch. I used to do that, when I was only five.’

  ‘But I’m nearly six now.’

  Jack ignores this.

  ‘What’s for tea, Mum?’

  ‘Cheese omelettes?’

  They both pretend to vomit.

  ‘Or fish fingers, for people who aren’t being annoying.’

  By the time the first guests arrive for Archie’s party I’m perilously close to complete hysteria. I hate the bit just before parties, when there’s still time to produce some dazzlingly stylish backdrop, if only you knew how. But once we get going I feel much calmer, which is strange since I’m trying to help Connie pass the parcel whilst simultaneously discussing sausage rolls with Gran and the timing of the bonfire with Martin.

  Reg has tracked down a few fireworks and a boxful of packets of sparklers, and he and Mr Pallfrey have been in the garden for most of the day filling buckets with sand, and burying rockets in the flowerbed by the back wall, with Trevor helping with the digging. Mr Pallfrey’s been busy making a start on the garden for the Seaside in Bloom competition, so at least it’s looking tidier now, even if it’s all gone a bit bare now all the weeds have gone. The Diva’s due any minute, and there are already a couple of photographers by our front gate, much to Jane Johnson’s amusement, who posed for them when she dropped Seth off.

  Martin’s wearing the bobble hat Elsie knitted for him, which makes him look like he’s out on day release, but she’s still having a major sulk about the barn, so I think he’s trying to be as conciliatory as he can, without actually promising to stay living at home for all eternity. So far he seems to be meeting with a fair amount of tutting and pursed lips, but you’ve got to give him marks for persistence.

 
‘Shall I light the fire now then, so it’s got going by the time they’ve had their tea?’

  ‘Please.’

  ‘It’s just possible this bloody hat might fall into the flames by mistake.’

  ‘Good plan. Only make sure the kids don’t see. I really don’t need Archie getting the idea that fire is the solution for clothes you’re not keen on.’

  He laughs.

  ‘I’ll bear that in mind. Actually, it’s not so much the hat that I mind, it’s the bobble.’ He shakes his head, and the bobble moves.

  ‘I see what you mean. Still, she means well.’

  He gives me a Look.

  ‘Anyway, thanks for helping, Martin. I’m sure there are better things you could be doing with your Saturday.’

  ‘Oh no, I loved bonfires when I was little. Still do, actually. I’m having quite a few at the barn – you must bring the boys out. I think they’d enjoy it.

  ‘We’d love to.’

  Actually, I’m not sure bringing them to a building site with bonfires is exactly top of my list of things to be doing in the near future.

  ‘How are you feeling?’

  ‘Fine. Oh, you mean … fine. Great.’

  He’s blushing.

  ‘Is that her arriving then? There’s quite a lot of flashing going on in your front garden, if you get my drift.’

  Elsie’s opening the front door as we walk into the hall, to see Ellen posing for snappers before sweeping up the path. I notice Martin quickly takes his hat off, which leaves his hair standing up in little tufts, and I’m tempted to lick my fingers and flatten them down, like I do with Archie, but thankfully I manage to resist.

  ‘Hello, darling, hi, Martin.’

  She looks amazing, in very high-heeled boots and a tiny tweed skirt with a fabulous leather coat.

  I’m still in my stretchy black skirt, which is now much shorter than it used to be, with black woolly tights that I used to wear when I was pregnant with Archie. I thought I’d thrown them out, but they reappeared in the back of my sock drawer, like magic, which was a lucky break otherwise I’d be in socks. The local shops don’t seem to sell giant tights, so they’re on my list for the next trip into Canterbury. And my green jumper’s a bit tighter than I meant it to be, but I can’t quite keep up with my ever-expanding chest.

  ‘Great jumper, darling.’

  She kisses Martin, which makes him retreat into the garden pretty sharpish.

  ‘Here, let me hang your coat up.’

  ‘You’re right about his hair, much better. I think we should definitely keep him on your list for later.’

  ‘I haven’t got a list for later, and I’m having a hard enough time with his mother as it is, so stop it. Do you want a drink, or something to eat? Mark’s in the kitchen with a fabulous fish soup, and Antonella and Salvatore are here, Connie’s mum and dad, and they’re lovely. And Gran’s making sausage rolls. So take your pick.’

  ‘God, the noise is amazing. It reminds me of that football thing I did last year.’

  ‘They’ll quieten down when they have tea. Well, a bit.’

  ‘So what can I do to help?’

  Ellen doesn’t normally do birthday parties, unless they’re the private-members-club-with-champagne-and-Michelin-starred-canapés sort, but she couldn’t pass up the chance for a bonding moment with Grace, even though I’ve made her promise not to go into interview mode.

  ‘Go and help Connie – she’s doing party games. And remember, you promised you’ll leave Grace alone.’

  ‘Yes to the first, possibly to the second. She might fancy a quick heart-to-heart.’

  ‘She won’t. And Bruno will stick you in a hedge if you push it. And Mr Pallfrey’s just finished pruning it. So pretend you’re not Britain’s Favourite Broadcaster, just for today, yes?’

  ‘Relax, darling. You know me. Subtle charm. Have you got any oranges? I know a great pass-the-orange game for later, great for grown-ups too, especially after a few vodkas.’

  Oh God.

  I’m in the kitchen trying to fit all the food on to paper plates and hiding the oranges while Elsie takes things into the dining room.

  Gran’s putting jellies in little shiny gold plastic cups on a tray.

  ‘Aren’t these jellies lovely? She sent them, that Grace Morrison, she sent a young man round. Fruit jellies with strawberries, look, and little cakes. Aren’t they pretty? I didn’t know you could do icing in those colours, and the little gold sweeties look very smart, don’t they? Out of the blue when I was here this morning, he arrived with trays and everything, such a nice young man. Lovely manners.’

  Elsie’s very impressed; in fact she’s so overexcited she almost drops a plate of sausages on sticks when the doorbell rings.

  It’s Grace, with a background of flashing lights, with Lily fast asleep in her car seat, with the hood up so you can’t quite see her face. Maxine is holding two huge carrier bags, and so is Bruno. Christ.

  ‘Can we come in?’

  ‘Yes, of course, sorry.’

  ‘Where’s the birthday boy then? Oh, how lovely, balloons. I love balloons.’ Grace is doing her Megastar Smile, and we’re all rather dazzled.

  Elsie steps forward.

  ‘Good afternoon, Miss Harrison. Isn’t she beautiful? We all saw the pictures in the papers but they didn’t do her justice.’ Elsie is practically curtseying.

  ‘Thank you.’

  ‘Would you like a sausage?’

  ‘I think maybe we should let Grace get her coat off, Elsie, but if you could put them on the table that would be great.’

  ‘Oh yes, of course, well, just let me know when you want anything, Miss Harrison, and I’ll make you up a plate. Anything at all.’ She walks backwards towards the door to the dining room, which she misses with a small thud.

  Christ.

  By the time we’ve played musical statues, and passed two more parcels and played a lively round of musical chairs to the Batman theme tune, which on balance was probably a mistake, the birthday tea goes very well, with the adults milling about in the kitchen complimenting Mark and Salvatore on the soup.

  I think everyone’s enjoyed themselves, although I notice that whenever Ellen gets anywhere near Grace, Maxine is somehow standing in between them, in a subtle but effective way, which is quite impressive. Gran gets to cuddle Lily, and Elsie gets an autograph from Grace, which is a tad mortifying, but apart from that everyone behaves as if Grace is just another local mum.

  Archie’s thrilled with his presents from Grace, which turn out to be a Lego castle, with one for Jack too, and pretty much every kind of knight and horse and extra soldier that they make, with swords and pointy sticks, and enough art supplies to keep us going until he’s a teenager. And it’s all posh stuff, with thick paper and fabulous colours in little pots that look suspiciously non-washable, so they might be going on to the top shelf of my wardrobe until he’s slightly less likely to be wearing them all over his sweatshirt.

  He’s so excited he even kissed Bruno to say thank you, and he loved his goldfish so much there was a huge debate about what to call them until he finally settled on Nemo and Bruce.

  We’re all outside in the garden, watching the bonfire, with the doors open to the dining room so people can help themselves to more food. Elsie’s finally given up on her mission to get Grace to eat something, and is now bringing plates of food to Bruno, who’s very impressed by the way Trevor keeps chasing round the front garden barking at the photographers.

  ‘He could teach Tom and Jerry a thing or two, you know. I might bring them round one day. Nice for them to get to know other dogs.’

  Maxine shakes her head.

  ‘They’re enough trouble already without picking up new tricks, Bruno. Great party, Jo, but I think we’re going to be off soon.’

  ‘Oh, right, well, thank you for coming. And for the presents. He’s thrilled.’

  ‘I gathered.’ She smiles: she got a sticky thankyou kiss too.

  Grace comes towards us, holding Li
ly, who’s starting to get fed up.

  ‘I think we’d better make a move, but I can’t wait until I’m doing her first party. Are all these kids from his school?’

  ‘Yes.’

  ‘Is it only boys at his school?’

  ‘No, but he banned girls this year, apart from Nelly.’

  She smiles.

  ‘So we’ll see you next week. Ready, Bruno?’ Bruno stuffs another sausage roll into his mouth.

  ‘Jesus, don’t you ever stop eating? Go and get the car.’

  We walk back into the house and Maxine gets her mobile out, and stands by the front door as I hand her a Batman party bag and a balloon; God knows what they’ll make of a bottle of bubbles, a jelly snake and a packet of Smarties, but I’m thinking Bruno will be pleased.

  ‘There’s cake too, if you want a slice for later.’

  Grace smiles.

  ‘We’re okay, thanks.’

  Maxine’s phone beeps.

  ‘Bruno’s outside.’

  ‘Great.’

  There’s another round of flashing as she gets into the car, just as Tina arrives to collect Travis, and then I’m in the back garden trying to make sure the sparklers don’t lead to any emergency dashes to A & E. Martin’s being stalwart with a bucket of water, and Archie’s on his third pair of gloves because he keeps plunging them into the bucket to make sure everything is properly extinguished, but Gran and Reg are keeping an eye on him, while Connie ladles out more bowls of fish soup for everyone.

  Salvatore is sitting at the table in the kitchen flirting with Elsie and Betty, as parents start arriving to take small people home, thank God. Gran and I put slices of cake into party bags. Mark’s really outdone himself on the cake: I was worried the Superhero theme might be tricky, but he’s made a circular Batcave, with a Batmobile on top, and black candles and black-and-grey icing over a chocolate sponge, with cherry jam. It’s so delicious I’ve already had two slices, and I’m hoping for a third. Or possibly some more soup, and then more cake. I’m seriously getting into this eating-for-two thing.

  Ellen’s pouring herself a drink as I go back into the kitchen.

  ‘Great party, darling. This is just the kind of thing I want for my wedding.’

  ‘A Batcake and balloons? I bet Harry will be thrilled.’